An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
“i miss shittin on people”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Effort made
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*