An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever