[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
What’s a Messi?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials