@JojoCaravan

An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard

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@jlock17

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

@_troyjohnson

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

@NicestHippo

I only eat in two situations: when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@TheAlexNevil

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

@envydatropic

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

@AspergersAreUs

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

@Scdavis24

If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.