An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard

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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.


The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.


Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.


I only eat in two situations: when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry


There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.


I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.


Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.


When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”


If god came down to earth, he’d have to take the form of Morgan Freeman. At this point, anything less would be disappointing.