ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.