I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.
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My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?
Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
me: i’m 6’4″
me: wait for what
If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had