An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.

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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.


My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?


Can’t quit smoking? Wear mittens all the time.


Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!


For #BackToTheFutureDay try and get your mom to hit on you.


Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.


To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.


nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight











me: wait for what


If you don’t want to be there today, just say “I’m just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding”


DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had