Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Spider-cat: No One Home
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra