@NoogsCorner

An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.

An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.

- @NoogsCorner

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@disa_panda

Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

@JimHeskett

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

@10InchesPlus

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

@batkaren

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

@miffedmim

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

@BrassBallsCJ

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

@RealSugarFree

I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

@ArinLeeMorris

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.