[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
i smell a pulitzer