An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Body by sandwich.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
knights of the ikea table
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays