asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
<—- homeless romantic
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…