I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes