@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

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@underrateDad

Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

@EffdotEss

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

@KrunkedRobot

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

@KeetPotato

[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change

@BuckyIsotope

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@jordan_stratton

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.