Wrong hole, except its just me watching my 3 yr old try to squeeze his head through the sleeve of his t-shirt…
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
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Count Dooku has always been puzzled by his wife, Sue.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.