An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
The first matador
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.