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[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]


HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be


Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.


*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*


New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.


this Uber is whipping me around doin 70 in a 40 and he’s still getting 5 stars because he hasn’t said a damn word to me . He knows


Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.


Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]