BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
You Might Also Like
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!