An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Sniffing the broccoli
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you