An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
asked my bf how work was today
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”