An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?