@TheRealDudish

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

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@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@cydbeer

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

@realHamOnWry

I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I’m calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.

@SvnSxty

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

@heart_brecher

My mom is the cutest. I just called her and she said she didn’t sleep so great last night.

Asked her why.

“Well, I have this pineapple, and I kept thinking about how I’m gonna cut it.”

@Los01001111

The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself “him”.

@craiguito

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

@ClichedOut

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

@nachosarah

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon