An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Breaking news:
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.