An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play