@jeffporper

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

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@TragicAllyHere

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

@ispypanda

I bet it’s tough being a police sketch artist in China.

@SardonicTart

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

@Parkerlawyer

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

@Parkerlawyer

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

@Brocklesnitch

I can’t believe women used to have to wear shoulderpads, i’m so grateful menstruation moved to the vagina in the 90s.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

@Swoosh61

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

@FemmeEnFeu

A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.