An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.


When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.


This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.


She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that


[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ


The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.


Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.


The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.