@jeffporper

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

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@TheSuccuBish

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

@HomeProbably

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

@RachelNoise

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

@tsm560

She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that

@Reverend_Scott

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

@SentenceReduced

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

@tiffinysawyers

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.