Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”