an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.