an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Just grow your own
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.