An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If looks could kill
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭