An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
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Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.