An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

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The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.


There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t


Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.


Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted


Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.


“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now


At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.


Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”


A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.