An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.


I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.


If you don’t have a bucket list, then put “make bucket list” on your “To Do” list. nnYou don’t have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?


Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy


My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it


Just clicked on an ad that said “Free Albums Here” But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.


I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money

Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man


Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.


Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”


I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it