An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
*struts into the new year
~ trips