No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
You Might Also Like
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car