Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
You think God hates crosses?
If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am…
If you break the rules, you can get ejected from a football game. If they make it like an ejection seat, so the player is just yeeted out of the stadium, THEN I’d watch football.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something