@DrakeGatsby

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

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@GringoBrulee

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

@SolelyB

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

@Skoogeth

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

@awkwardphilippe

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

@Coastiefish

You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.

@Reverend_Scott

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

@SkippyMcGizzard

If you break the rules, you can get ejected from a football game. If they make it like an ejection seat, so the player is just yeeted out of the stadium, THEN I’d watch football.

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something