@curlymalloy

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

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@wittwitbarista

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

@NewDadNotes

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

@junejuly12

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

@RobDenBleyker

Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can’t Believe It’s Not 1860.

@ArfMeasures

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

@AdamBroud

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

@stevevsninjas

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

@Holy_Mowgli

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.