An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.