My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
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DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
me: will i go to jail in the future
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house