MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Reporter: *ports again*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets