An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
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[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion