adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My birthstone is kidney
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”