@StoferComic

An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…

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@morgan_murphy

Trump is the closest thing I have to a baby. I check to see if he’s up first thing in the morning then I spend the rest of the day telling people at work what he said.

@Kids_kubed

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

@FredTaming

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

@Ygrene

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

@rebrafsim

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know