An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…

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Trump is the closest thing I have to a baby. I check to see if he’s up first thing in the morning then I spend the rest of the day telling people at work what he said.


The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed


him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying


[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf


This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.


Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce


Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone


New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know