Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
We have a saying in Germany. It is better to have loved and lost than to engage in a land war with Russia in the winter.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
Me: There was a spider.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Ouija board……”your going to die!”
I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:
I can’t afford HBO.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.