[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
You Might Also Like
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Buck naked
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside