an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
🤣😈🤣
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.