Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
“OMGJK” -atheists
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*