@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

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@JoParkerBear

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

@weinerdog4life

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

@skin_and_i

Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight

@shutupmikeginn

Using the domino’s pizza tracker app seems like a great way to carjack someone you know isn’t going to put up that much of a fight

@DaHess1

I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.