@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

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@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…

@HenpeckedHal

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

@LizHackett

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

@FunnyMojoJojo

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

@urmumsausername

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

@pixelatedboat

Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you’ve got?
Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis
Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you

@TeachersHot

Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet