“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“How many likes?”
“You’re a goner.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.