An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

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The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…


I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.


My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…


him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha


me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*


Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you’ve got?
Me: She sold the Saudis the jets that are massacring Yemenis
Clinton fan: Emails? That’s all you


Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet