An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.