It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight
Using the domino’s pizza tracker app seems like a great way to carjack someone you know isn’t going to put up that much of a fight
I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin