An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Dammit Chief not again
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right