An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
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I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows