an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
my fav colour is also hitler
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.