An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.