Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[on the phone with my mom]
Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now
Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE
I have the reflexes of a cat, but like if it was stoned.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”
Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.