An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Need this in my life lol
Bootstraps
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*