Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
ME: I love the D
ME:I love to lick them first
ME:Then I love to swallow them
ME:I love D
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