An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Not even remotely sorry.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?