@kimt205

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

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@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@longwall26

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????

@6figures__

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

@Cheeseboy22

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

@dougbies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

@squirrel74wkgn

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

@dafloydsta

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

@sip_at_home_mom

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

@The_CamGirl

ME: I love the D
HER:Why?
ME:I love to lick them first
HER:…
ME:Then I love to swallow them
HER:…
ME:I love D

Dunkin’ Donuts Interview