@tangledteatime: An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn't that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He's EIGHT.
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@ladybroseph: Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
@1followernodad: Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
@StellaRtwot: We wouldn't really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [doctor's office] ME: I'm here for my test results [the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently] DR: I have some bad news...