I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school