*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
when you don’t want to be too vague
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???