*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

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Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.


Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit


A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.


[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever


Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.


Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.


Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.


“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother


wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us


I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.


[2015 Bird Awards]


(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)