ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
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Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.
Me: Wake up son!
Son: Just 30 more minutes please
Me: I’m borrowing your phone
Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”
ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Are you eating Jell-O?
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.