An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums


If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.


People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.


Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.


If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…


[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?


Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.


How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*


Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.