@ValeeGrrl

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

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@Darlainky

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

@_NTFG_

People say love is the best feeling in the world, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@kangel76

If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…

@stevemarriott

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

@C3Ballin

Life was simpler when photo albums were books containing pleasant family snaps and not digital online librarys of me puking in a shoe.

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@FrenulumBreve

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.