An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Writing, She Murdered.
They did not think through this water fountain
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away