An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before