@HousewifeOfHell

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

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@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@TequilaSaltlife

If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying

@Reverend_Scott

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

@IamEnidColeslaw

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

@PyrBliss

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.