An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

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Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.


If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying


[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks


“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.


Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No


Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.


I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.


If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.