@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

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@Try2StopME

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

@JoshuaTurek

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

@auty_schmotty

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

@GibJimson

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

@JensenClan88

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

@Alvildalikely

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

@Cheeseboy22

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

@ofcourseyoudid

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage