An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”


Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t


I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.


[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.


I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.


*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.


Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.


Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…


The swallow

*walks offstage