@TheToddWilliams

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

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@gerryhatric

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

@stephenjmolloy

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

@moose_chocolate

“Clique” is a French word meaning “small group of insufferable douchebags”.

@MarcusTheToken

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

@Divergentmama

My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.

@elle91

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

@DurtMcHurtt

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@envydatropic

My doctor prescribed a med that has “weight loss” as a side effect……I’ve never wanted to overdose so much in my life!

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes