An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
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[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.